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WHETHER TO TELL OTHERS

If you are being abused, one important question is whether to tell others. The simple answer is “Yes”. But there are other questions: who to tell, why to tell, when to tell and how to tell them.

Who to Tell

There are number of possible resources you could tell about being abused. The possibilities include, your friends, your family, neighbors, service providers (e.g. counselor, therapist, health care personnel or spiritual advisor), the police, mutual friends of you and your abuser, his family, his friends, your workplace, lawyers and domestic violence agencies.

How do you know whom to tell? Gay men in one study (Merrill and Wolfe, 2000) ranked sources of help they sought most frequently and felt were most helpful. They also ranked possible sources of help they frequently sought but found were not helpful or made things worse.

Sources of help most frequently sought and reported as being the most helpful

• Gay men’s domestic violence program
• Non-GLBT social service agency providing an individual counselor/therapist
• Support or self-help group
• Personal individual counselor/therapist
• Survivor’s friends and family
• Police

Potential sources of help frequently sought but reported as not helpful or made things worse

• Abuser’s friends
• Abuser’s family
• Neighbors
• Women’s domestic violence services*
• Mutual (with the abuser) friends
• Couple’s counselor

* Since this study was conducted, some women’s DV programs have begun to serve men and are helpful.

The men in the study said that the most helpful resources are those that provide individual counseling and emotional support and are clearly in the survivor’s corner. Least helpful are the resources affiliated with the abuser, such as his friends, as well as neighbors and women’s domestic violence programs. However, since the study was conducted some women’s programs have begun to serve men and they are helpful.

Other resources that were not called on frequently, but which can be helpful, are health care personnel (particularly your primary care physician), an HIV program (if you have HIV-disease), the workplace, a lawyer and a spiritual advisor.

There are some criteria to help you choose whom to tell. For example, is the resource:

- Solely dedicated to your interests, rather than those of the abuser
- Sensitive to GLBT issues
- Knowledgeable about partner abuse, particularly GLBT partner abuse
- Willing to give support that is non-judgmental
- Trustworthy and confidential

Why Tell

There are four primary reasons to tell other people about your situation:

- Emotional Support
- Coaching/counseling
- Safety
- Assistance

Emotional Support

You may feel alone, isolated, as if no one understands what you’re going through or that no one else has had the same kind of experience. You may just need to tell someone what is happening and how it feels. Your friends and family can help. Other sources of emotional support are a GBT domestic violence program, counselors/therapists, support or self-help group and your spiritual advisor.

Coaching and Counseling

You may want to determine what to do, how to understand what is happening or how to handle the situation. You don’t necessarily need therapy for your situation but you could use some advice and help in identifying and assessing your options. Your friends and family may be helpful, but more helpful may be resources like a GBT domestic violence program or counselor/therapist.

Safety

Whether you stay or whether you leave, your own safety (and of your children) should be a priority. A GBT domestic violence program can help develop a Safety Plan (See Safety Planning) and other resources can help implement the plan. Friends and family can help with your safety, as well as a gay domestic violence program and the police (See Working with the Police). If your abuser is likely to harass you at work, you may want to tell your workplace as part of your Safety Plan (See Safety Planning).

Assistance

There are various kinds of assistance you made need, such as medical treatment, legal representation, police intervention or workplace security. In addition, a GBT domestic violence program can provide a range of assistance from crisis intervention, to legal advocacy, to emergency shelter.

Be clear in your own mind why you are telling a particular resource. Your friends and family may give you emotional support but the police and your health care provider are not. On the other hand, resources like the police or a lawyer can give you assistance that your friends and family can not.

When to Tell

You are probably the best judge of when to tell. You may want emotional support as soon as possible, while telling the police or your workplace may occur when and if the need arises. Research on women survivors shows that 70% of those employed are harassed at work by their abusers. This is likely to be true for GBT men, as well.

How to Tell

The best approach usually is to be honest. Tell your resource you are in a relationship with a man and describe clearly and factually your situation, as well as the abuse. If you are not honest, it makes it all the harder for a resource to help you when they don’t fully understand what is happening. But always use your best judgment.

Keep in mind that some of the resources you tell will have no information or mis-information about GBT partner abuse. This may be frustrating and make you angry. But lack of knowledge is not really a barrier to seeking their help, as long as they are willing to learn. Share with them your information about GBT partner abuse and recommend that they visit this Website.