Myths and Facts about Domestic Violence Among People in GLBT Relationships
There are a variety of myths and misconceptions about intimate partner abuse amongst lesbians, gay men, bisexuals and transgender people. The following is a sample of commonly held, but inaccurate, beliefs and the truth about each:
MYTH: Intimate partner abuse, including physical abuse, rarely happens between same-gender partners.
FACT: Up to one-third of gay men experience partner abuse sometime in their lives. This is approximately the same rate of incidence for straight women and for lesbians. The rate of abuse of straight men, and bisexual and transgender people needs further study but there is no reason to think that the rates aren’t similar to those for gay men, lesbians and straight women.
MYTH: It really isn’t partner abuse when someone abuses his/her same-gender partner - it’s a lover’s quarrel, mutual combat or a fair fight between equals.
FACT: Abuse is a systematic pattern of behaviors to gain power and exercise control over another person. There is always one abuser and a person being abused. Sometimes abuse, however, can look as though it is mutual. The abuser, for example, may physically abuse his/her partner and the partner may defend himself. It is true that there can be quarrels, even mutual combat, between partners but this is quite different from abuse. (See Definition of Domestic Violence)
MYTH: It is normal for men to be physically violent; it is just boys being boys.
FACT: It is not normal for one person to abuse another.
MYTH: The abuser is always the bigger and stronger partner. The abused partner is always the smaller and weaker one.
FACT: Abuse is based on personality, not size or strength. A smaller person can hit, use a weapon, threaten or destroy property. In addition, there are other forms of abuse, including emotional, financial, sexual and identity abuse. Size and strength are not required for these forms abuse either.
MYTH: People who are abused exaggerate the level of abuse.
FACT: Most people who are abused tend to minimize the abuse, including physical abuse, because of shame, guilt and self-blame. This is particularly true for men in our society who are supposed “to be able to take care of themselves”. They can be very ashamed of being the victim of physical abuse. In addition, sometimes people who are abused don’t recognize all the ways in which they are being abused. Usually the abuse that people share with others is only the tip of the iceberg.
MYTH: When abuse occurs in a relationship, it is usually an isolated incident and will not happen again.
FACT: Abuse is a pattern of behaviors that occur over and over again. It is common for a person who is being abused to see each incident as separate and isolated and to not recognize that there are a series of incidents that form a pattern of abuse. Abuse, once begun, tends to increase in frequency and severity over time, and an abuser on his or her own rarely chooses to stop abusing.
MYTH: It is easy for people in same-gender relationships to end an abusive relationship or to leave if they are living together.
FACT: It is no easier for a person in a same-gender relationship to leave an abusive relationship than it is for a straight woman or man to leave an abusive relationship. For each individual there can be many reasons why he or she stays. For example, a man may stay because he loves the abuser; he wants the abuse to stop but the relationship to continue. He may not have the financial resources to leave. He may stay out of fear because the abuser has threatened to harm him or his family if he leaves. Each person has his own reasons for not leaving and they can be very real and legitimate reasons.
For GLBT people there are some circumstances that make it difficult for them to leave an abuser. GLBT people may be isolated from family because of their sexual orientation or gender identity and they may not have this support resource to draw on. There are fewer domestic violence services, and in many places no services, for GLBT people. GLBT people may be reluctant to turn to mainstream services because of fears of homophobia or of being outed. Mainstream resources, because of the myths and misconceptions listed here, may respond inappropriately; for example, the police may see violence as mutual combat and arrest both partners. Also, the GLBT community is struggling to acknowledge partner abuse, which makes it harder for GLBT people to turn to their community for support.
MYTH: Partner abuse is found only in certain segments of GLBT people.
FACT: Anyone can be an abuser and anyone can be abused. Partner abuse appears in all segments of society, regardless of such characteristics as income, race, gender, ethnic background, income or lifestyle. Abuse occurs in all segments of GLBT people.
MYTH: Abuse amongst GLBT people is caused by substance use, sexual behaviors or such other factors as stress or childhood abuse.
FACT: Abuse is a choice. The abuser chooses to abuse and can choose not to abuse. Though abusers use factors like stress or financial worries to justify or to excuse abuse, abuse is not caused by circumstances outside the control of the abuser.
MYTH: The law does not protect victims of same-gender domestic violence.
FACT: The Massachusetts Abuse Prevention Act, the State’s domestic violence law, covers men who have intimate relationships with men, as well as women who have intimate relationships with women. The law is gender-neutral, which means that it covers women, men and non-gender identifying individuals. In addition, the law covers a variety of relationships, including persons who are married, living together or in a substantive dating relationship. The Act, also called 209A, is the law governing restraining orders. In addition, some abusive behaviors are criminal acts. Physical abuse, for example, is assault. The criminal laws apply to everyone.