Cycle of Abuse
(Adapted from Vincenza Baldino and Greg Merrill, “Confronting Same-sex Domestic Violence: A Training Manual for Therapists”, Unpublished. The Cycle was originally developed by Lenore Walker in The Battered Woman, 1980.)
Abuse tends to follow a predictable cycle. The cycle begins during dating (Grooming). Once the relationship becomes more formal, there are three recurring phases: Tension-building, Abuse Attack and Seduction.
CYCLE OF ABUSE
Grooming: Dating/The Relationship Begins
Tension-building
Abuse Attack
Seduction
Grooming: Beginning the Relationship
An abuser does not become an abuser after he/she enters in a relationship. He/she is an abuser before he/she enters a relationship. If he/she is without a partner, he/she is in search of his next victim. Most abusers are serial abusers, abusing each partner with whom they have an intimate relationship. Some abusers are aware of what they are doing but most are less conscious of their abusive behavior. Either way, all are accountable for their behavior.
Most abusers try not to be obviously abusive during the courting phase of a relationship. Most are rational enough to realize that they would not be successful in entrapping a new partner if they began to abuse during dating or at the very beginning of the relationship. However, they are not always entirely successful in restraining themselves. Their milder abusive behaviors are often ignored or discounted by the partner in the excitement of developing a new relationship. (See Am I Dating an Abuser?). These mild abusive behaviors or signs of abuse should not be ignored. They should be taken into account in making a decision whether to pursue a relationship.
Some abusers’ mode of operation is to attempt to seduce his/her victim into a relationship by adopting typical, generally insincere behaviors. He/she tries to charm and beguile his/her date by special attention, extravagant or inappropriate gifts, flattery and other tricks and stratagems.
Some abusers aim to lure the partner into making a commitment to a relationship as soon as possible. This commitment can take many forms, such as moving in together, getting married or identifying to others as lovers. Once the partner has made such a commitment, it is only a matter of time before the abuse begins.
Tension-building
Soon after the abuser feels the partner has made a commitment to the relationship the Tension-building phase begins. In the Tension-building phase there are usually “minor” incidents of abuse. This might be light physical abuse, such as pushing, shoving or restraining. It almost certainly takes the form of emotional abuse.
Eighty percent of gay men, in one study, who had been in abusive relationships, reported that there was no physical violence in the first three months of the relationship. Forty-six percent reported no physical violence in the first 12 months (Merrill and Wolf, 2000).
The abused partner experiences this phase as the building of emotional tension because he doesn’t know what to expect next or whether the abuse will become more serious. The abuser’s abusive behavior becomes more frequent and more serious until there is an Abuse Attack.