INTIMATE PARTNER ABUSE - Similarities and Differences between Same-gender and Opposite-gender Domestic Violence
A common question about domestic violence in same-gender relationships is how it differs from domestic violence in opposite-gender relationships. The simple answer is that abuse itself is nearly exactly the same whether the relationship is between same- or opposite-gender people. The differences are primarily related to being lesbian, gay male, bisexual or transgender.
Similarities
Statistics: The rate of incidence of abuse appears to be the same for gay men, lesbians and straight women. There is no conclusive research on straight men, bisexuals and transgender people who are abused. However, there is no reason not to think that the rates of abuse are similar to the rate for gay men, lesbians and straight women.
Demographics: Partner abuse occurs in all segments of society, regardless of such characteristics as income, race, sex, ethnic background or lifestyle. Similarly, abuse occurs in all segments of LGBT people.
Definition of Abuse: The definition of abuse is the same for all people: a systematic pattern of behaviors used to gain power and to exercise control over another person.
Types of Abuse: The general types of abuse are the same: physical, emotional, sexual, financial and identity. There are some specific differences between straight and LGBT people discussed below.
Purpose of Abuse: The purpose of abuse is the same – the abuser uses abuse to manipulate his/her victim into meeting his/her needs, whatever they might be – emotional, sexual, financial and so on. Many abusers are insecure, have low self-esteem, believe they are unloved and unlovable, and in general, frightened that their needs will not be met. Hence, they use abuse to gain control over their partners in order to meet their needs.
Cycle of Abuse: The cycle of abuse is the same and has four steps:
1. The relationship begins with the abuser being attentive and charming (Grooming);
2. As the relationship progresses the abuser usually begins by being mildly abusive with tension building for the partner and the abuser (Tension-building);
3. An acute incident of abuse occurs, for example the abuser physically or sexually assaults the partner (Abuse Attack); and
4. The abuser is contrite, apologetic, attentive and charming (Seduction).
The cycle continues and repeats itself over and over again, usually cycling faster through the steps with the abuse tending to become more frequent and severe over time.
Impact of Abuse: The impact on the abused partner is the same. There can be physical injuries and short- and long-term health problems, as well as emotional effects, such as loss of self-esteem and depression.
Responsibility: The abuser is solely responsible for the abuse. Abuse is a choice and the abuser can choose not to abuse. No one has the right to abuse.
Blame: The abused partner is often blamed and held responsible for the abuse by himself/herself, by the abuser and sometimes even by family, friends and professionals. Questions like “Why didn’t you leave?” and “How could you let this happen to you?” are often tinged with blame. Since the abuser is responsible, the blame lies with the abuser, and the most important question is “Why doesn’t the abuser stop?”
Children: Witnessing abuse can have harmful emotional effects on children. In addition, abusers of adults also frequently abuse children. Being abused can have both physically and emotionally harmful consequences for children.
Course of Abuse: Abuse usually worsens over time, becoming more frequent and severe. Rarely does the abuser stop abusing on his/her own.
Leaving: It is as difficult for same-gender partners to leave their abusers as it is for opposite-gender partners to do so. There can be very rational and compelling reasons to stay and significant challenges to overcome in leaving, such as finding housing or employment.
Legal Protection: In Massachusetts the domestic violence law covers men and women, and same- and opposite-gender relationships.
Differences
Limited Services: There are very limited services for GLBT people affected by intimate partner abuse. In many areas there are no services specifically for GLBT people. Most mainstream domestic violence programs do not serve men, nor do they overtly indicate that they are GLBT-friendly.
Homophobia: Homophobia is still a virulent element in the U.S. culture, as well as bi- and trans-phobia. GLBT people affected by partner abuse can be reluctant to seek service from mainstream organizations, including the police, courts, and health care, for fear of being abused by the system. This can range from discounting or minimizing their abuse, to inappropriate service, to refusal of service.
Lack of Knowledge: Most straight people know little about GLBT people and less about domestic violence amongst GLBT people. This lack of knowledge hampers providing support for people affected by GLBT partner abuse, whether the support is informal from family and straight friends or formal, through service-providers, such as mental health professionals or law enforcement.
Outing: Seeking services and support for partner abuse often means that an individual has to come out. This is another reason GLBT people are reluctant to use formal support services. Also, the abuser can use threats of outing the partner’s sexual orientation or gender identity as another abusive means to control him/her.
Children: Courts do sometimes take away or withhold custody rights for children because the parent is GLB or T. Fear of losing custody of children, therefore, is another barrier to seeking formal services. Also, the abuser can use this fear as another abusive control tactic.
Lack of Awareness: Many GLBT people who are abused do not realize that they are being abused or do not label their experience as abuse because they know too little about domestic violence, particularly amongst GLBT people. And even when they do understand they are being abused, they don’t know what to do or where to turn for help and support. There must be a significant effort amongst GLBT people to educate about partner abuse, as well as other forms of violence, to minimize the number of people affected. Since one-quarter to one-third of GLBT people experience partner abuse, it ranks as one of the most serious issues facing the community, comparable to discrimination and HIV disease and other health issues.